black; all noise

23.8.06

i cried to bed last night when i thought of the movie - CLICK.
family comes first.

i LOVE

MUM. although i'm always complaining that she has no time for me, always breaking her promises and she doesnt love me. deep down i know, she loves me most. she gets me whatever i want(usually). she's the one who spoilt me. i'm treated like a princess at home. i dont even wash my own cup. i love you, mum. and shame on me, i dont even dare to say these words face-to-face to her, i'm SHY.

DADDY. we're always quarrelling over the slighest shit. he's always abusing me, verbally with his vulgarities. hes always working OT, acting like hes in mid 30s, daddy youre not so young. stop working. hahaha i love my daddy, he looks like santa claus.

AH MA. i used to find my granny old dirty(sorry, i'm a clean freak), naggy & childish and i dont really like her. but they say she loves me most. until that day she was admitted to hospital(bcus some idiots pushed her while shes boarding the bus),i cried a river. i'm so afraid of losing her. i'm always giving excuses for not visiting her. sometimes it hurts me so when she forgets my NAME & my bday, i know its all my fault(i cried again). i love you granny, i'll visit you soon.

GRANDMA & GRANDPA. once again, they say grandma loves me most, oh man i'm so lovable. sunday, grandma told me her eyesight's failing and shes here just to see me. oh man i cried. i'll give you my eyes, grandma. my grandpa's old & senile but he's cute. i love them.

i'm so blessed & fortunate, still, i cant help but to think of the bad side. dear god, please dont take any of them away from me. i've done my reflections and i'll change to be a better person, i'll learn to be one.

i shall:
visit my granny, grandma & grandpa;
wash my cup;
learn how to boil water;
teach my bro amaths;
stop quarrelling w mum & dad;
save money;
study & work hard.

i tried.
i couldnt recall what ive studied, so that means i've done nth these few days. ive an empty brain. anything that goes in, comes out. omg i'm so dead. i believe i can work better under stress(yea right). mayb i'm fated to be last minute kinda person. hopefully, i'm right! my bodyclock went haywire and i'm like sleeping from 6am to 6pm everyday. i cant adjust back, i need help! timecheck: its 4.40am now. and ive been staring blankly 3 whole hours at my managerial accounting notes. why cant i just concentrate and study like those hardworking muggers? i wanna be a mugger, i want to study! screams. i need to push myself, so hard till i fall. yes, i need some motivation.

long long way to go.

denise screamed @ 23.8.06

welcome (: